Rapunzel - Shinsengumi style
by Saemus McNally
Summary: The story of Rapunzel. That crazy broad with the gobs of hair. Starring Harada Sanosuke and other fantastic Shinsengumi men!


Rapunzel

  
  


Well, I decided to take a break from all the fics I'm working on and just have fun with another fairy tale! However, this is going to be slightly different. For one, I can't really remember how the original story goes. So I'm making most of it up. Also, this time its not going to be Sano and Saitou. Its going to be Harada Sanosuke and Okita!! We'll call him Harada to avoid confusion.

Harada :You know I AM the real Sanosuke dammit.

Oh hush.

  
  


Once there was a lovely young maiden, er, a boy, who had deliciously long, beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, handsome, fantastic, amazing, black hair. He kept it all tied back in a neat ponytail so that it didn't crowd his face as he milked the cows.

Everyone in the village was very proud of the young man's hair. They would praise him night and day.

"Oh Harada, such lovely hair you have. However do you get it to shine so?" asked a fellow milk maid Yoshio.

"The gods just like me best I suppose. Also, careful combing and washing." replied an egotistical Harada.

"Oh Harada, how did you get your hair so long!? My ponytail has horrible split ends and needs to be trimmed!" complained a semi-miserable orchid girl Shinpachi.

"Well, that's easy. My hair is just naturally perfect! I couldn't have split ends if I wanted to!" crowed Harada as he carried the milk to the market place, running a bronze hand against his hair as if praising it with his hand.

Harada was the talk of the marketplace every day. And he reveled in it. A day wouldn't be right if someone wasn't complimenting Harada's ravishing hair.

One day a stout man with pale skin wandered through the town. Stopping in the marketplace he fancied himself some milk. He made his way to Harada's stand where he paid two rubuls for a pint of milk in a cute little jar. As Serizawa, the wandering stranger, drank his milk he caught one of his narrow eyes on Harada's long beautiful ponytail.

"Goodness! Such amazing hair! I've never seen such hair in all my travels!"

"OF COURSE you haven't. This is Harada one of a kind ponytail! The gods have blessed ME and ME alone with the best head of hair ever. And I know it overshadows your pathetic excuse for hair, but maybe you should just bask in the glow of my hair like everyone else in this village. My hair shines with an inner glow!" Cackled Harada in response.

Serizawa cracked a thin smile at Harada. "That's no way to speak to your elders or of the people of your village."

"WHO CARES?! I'm thin and gorgeous! I have hair that would make Venus cry with envy! And there's not anyone to really stop me from being brilliant and beautiful! I READ VOGUE!"

"I highly doubt that the people of this village rely on you or your hair to survive. You're not the only milk maid."

"That's hardly the point. They need me to be around to know how pathetic and low THEY are."

"So you think you're on a higher level than everyone else? As if you were isolated alone above and away from everyone?"

"Of course. I'm just that grand."

"Then you shall live your life that way"

"What?!"

Suddenly before Harada could scream "HIRAZUKI!" he was in a small enclosed room. The room had one window and no doors. A small futon lay in a right angle to the window and there was a big water basin for bathing on the other side of the room. The room was round so there were no corners. 

"WHERE THE HELL AM I!!!?" Harada screamed. He was terrified. He ran to the window and looked out.

His face blanched and he fell back onto the bed.

"H-h-how did I g-g-g-get so high up!?" He stuttered, clinging with all his might to the futon. As if he had let go of the futon he'd fall do his death.

Truly, he was at an unreasonable height. He was in a tower, with no castle attachment. A solitary lone cylinder isolated to everything. Even the trees and forest was far from the tower. There were no other doors or windows on the tower's face. At least that Harada could see.

"Why!? How!?" Harada was screaming to himself. Yet a voice answered. It was the voice of Serizawa.

"Now, now, a young beautiful man such as yourself shouldn't get into such a tizzy. It's really unbecoming. Why? Because you were rude to a witch. A powerful witch. Yet a just witch. This is the consequence. You said you were isolated from everyone and on a higher level. Well now you really are!" And his voice cackled into nothingness.

Harada wanted to cry. How was he supposed to EAT!? Well, that problem was solved when a bowl of plain chicken ramen appeared at the end of his futon.

Harada spent days, weeks, probably months, possibly years, maybe decades in the tower. Well, maybe not that long. But it was long enough for his beautiful hair to continue to grow and grow and grow. It grew so long Harada was sure he would drown in the damn mess. So he braided and tied his hair up into a fold. Yet even doing this the bend of the fold in his hair reached the floor.

Harada was given no extra curricular activities to do in the tower. No board games, no paper to draw on, nothing like that. He every now and then got to know his right hand. But the thing he would do most is sing. Harada had a real gift for singing. The villagers would have known if he hadn't spent most of his time crowing about his hair.

One day while Harada was singing one of his favorite songs he heard something outside at the bottom of the tower.

"Oi~! That's a lovely voice you have! Perhaps you have just as lovely a face?"

Harada ran to the window. This was the first person he'd seen or talked to in who knows how long! He looked down. There on the ground riding on the back of a tall black horse, was a noble man. With pale skin and squinty gold eyes. And a cigarette dangling from his cheeky grin.

"Well, well. You're QUITE lovely! Maybe you'd like to come with me to my castle on yonder hill! We can make love till we're both tired and sweaty and when we catch our breath we can do it again!"

"Okay wait a minute mister. You want me to come down there, so you can whisk me away to your castle where you'll make use of my body at your whim? You must be joking! You're old and you haven't even told me your name!"

"How rude! My name is Saitou Hajime! And I'm not old I'm 35! AND that has nothing to do with anything! I can work you like any young buck! And better too! I'm experienced!"

"You're a hussy, is what you are! I'm still an innocent flower, I can't be tainted by any passer by!"

"Hey, I don't need this! Sagara Sanosuke is stuck in a tower not far from here and I can get him to be my sex slave!"

"FINE! Who cares what or whom that imposter will do! I'm better because I'm a classic! An original! I don't need a cricket-faced, old fart sexing me up! I can do better!"

"All right, FINE! See how many princes just happen to stroll along! You'll be older than I am now before then!"

"Big deal. I bet I'd get a better prince! One that doesn't smell of cancer."

"Don't insult my cigarettes!"

"Why don't you leave already!? You're smelling up my tower with your smokes!"

And with that, the prince Saitou Hajime rode off. To a tower not all together too far from Harada's tower. Where he rescued Sagara Sanosuke and made him his bride. And they had sex. Many a times.

Well, Harada went back to amusing himself by singing. And braiding his hair into intricate designs. Singing all the while.

"Sou sa la la la nande suteki na, Sou sa la la la kotoban no hibiki"

"Hello? Who's up there singing so lovely?"

Harada ran to the window. 'Hah, this will show that stupid bug faced man.'

He looked down. On a grey and white horse, sat a young man, probably around twenty, with a VERY young face. He smiled cheerily up at Harada. Harada grinned back.

"Hello! My name is Okita Souji. Anou, might I ask your name?"

"'Course! My name is Harada Sanosuke! Pleased to meet you!"

"Harada, you have so very much hair! Oh! And it seems you're in a dilemma!"

"As a matter of fact I am! I've been stuck up in this bewitched tower, because I had screwy views. It's political man! It's all political! And my hair keeps growing and growing and growing! I really could use a barber!"

"Maa, how very unfair! But, perhaps I have an idea."

"Well, give it a shot!"

"Harada Harada Let down your great hair!"

"Wait just a darn minute. What will letting my hair down do!?"

"Well, if you throw it out the window I can crawl up it and rescue you."

"How the hell is that supposed to work? There's no door in here! You think I'm some pansy that can't knock down a door? Give me more credit than that!"

"Areee~! I didn't know that!"

"BULL! This is all some great plot by you to crawl up here and sexually abuse my body so you can go back to your prince buddies and talk about your conquests!"

"AH! That's not what I had in mind at all! I'm a handsome prince! I rescue damsels in distress!"

"BIG DEAL! I just know you'll seduce me with your good looks and charm and trick me into having wild crazy monkey sex with you!"

"Why would I do that!?"

"Don't deny the fact that you lust after my ass!"

"I can't even see your ass."

"So!? Then you lust after my bountiful bosom!"

"But you're a guy!"

"Oh, I see how it is Okita. I didn't realize you were such a homophobe."

"I'M NOT A HOMOPHOBE!"

"Then how come two minutes ago you were all willing to jump my bones and now you aren't?!"

"I WAS NOT! BAH! I've had enough of you. I'm leaving."

And Okita rode off. Harada was tired. And he decided he would take a nap. But before he could get quite to sleep he was awoken.

"Excuse me. Harada, sir?"

Harada leaped up to the window again. He looked down. There was a VERY handsome young man holding a very, very big ladder.

"I heard your problem when you were talking to Okita-san. I decided I'd run off to get you a ladder. It's the sensible thing to do. I also brought a pair of scissors so you can get your hair cut."

"WOW! Hey, I really like you. You seem less likely to drag me into a corner and rape me silly. What's your name?"

"Hijikata Toshizou. I'm not a prince. I own a farm. I grow the barley that gets used for beer."

"Beer!? Oh, thank you for rescuing me kind sir! I'll be in your thanks forever!"

Hijikata pushed the ladder up against the tower. Harada almost couldn't reach it but he managed. He had a hard time climbing down with his ungodly amounts of hair piling down around him. Hijikata met Harada half way and helped him down.

Harada leaped into Hijikata's arms.

"THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!"

"Y-you're very welcome."

"Please! Please cut my hair back to a normal length!"

So Hijikata did what he was asked. Harada's hair was returned to normal. With all the excess hair they could have made a poncho. Harada was so in love with Hijikata's quick thinking and common sense, and less likeliness towards sexual advances, that he followed him home.

And Harada agreed to work on the Barley farm. Soon, Hijikata fell in love with Harada and they were married. And lived happily ever after.

As to Saitou and Sano? Well, when Tokio realized that Saitou was cavorting with a someone other than her, she turned them both into mice and left them in a plastic cage.

And Okita went on to rescue Jill and Jack. Not from cracking their crowns and what not. But he represented them in court. And won them ten thousand rubuls. 


End file.
